


We met the end, and now we begin again

by DarkerParts



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Break Up, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt, Healing, Heavy Angst, Jihoon loves him I swear, M/M, Soonhoon - Freeform, Soonyoung is hurting i'm sorry, howoo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-06
Updated: 2020-09-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:55:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26321509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkerParts/pseuds/DarkerParts
Summary: Soonhoon angst. Because why not.
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 17
Kudos: 105





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi? This is just another experiment story 😩 I'm sorry if it's shitty. But enjoy crying, I guess.

  
It's not something Soonyoung likes to think about. But it's not really something he can always dodge. He can try. To prolong it, try to avoid it. But sooner or later the thoughts would come around and bite him in the ass.

Don't get him wrong. He absolutely loves Jihoon. Loves knowing that he's the reason behind his laughs and his smiles. Loves to be the comfort place, or the safe place he goes to when he needs it. Loves to be the first person he shares everything with. _He loves him_. Like no tomorrow. Ever since getting to know him when they were just new in the company. Ever since they had that agreement of being each other's partner in trainings. Ever since that promise that no matter what happens, they would debut in the same group together. _He loves him_. Even through the tears when they barely got any recognition. Even when they tend to lash out at each other because of their important roles in the group. Even when sometimes they speak harsher words and hopes it'd be tended by silent actions instead.

_He loves him._ And he remembered everyone saying one day he might get tired. Remembered everyone warning him about giving up. Remembered them telling him it won't last and it'll burnt out. And he promised himself, it would never happen. He'll prove everyone wrong. He'll keep Jihoon in his heart, securing that his love is consistent, and keeping the tight grip on Jihoon so he won't ever slip away.

_And maybe that's where everything went wrong._

He had given himself to Jihoon. His attention. His love. His devotion. His everything. When they debuted and gain stability, Soonyoung's priorities changed. Now it's all about Jihoon. Jihoon's happiness. Jihoon's comfort. Jihoon's success. Jihoon's contentment. And he did everything to be able to do that. 

  
In the end, everyone was right. His love is still burning. Still thriving and alive. It's there. But it's the one thing that consumed him. While giving Jihoon what he deserved, he has lost himself in the process.

He promised himself, and he promised Jihoon, that his love won't ever be gone and he would always be besides him no matter what.

But how can he do that? When he doesn't even know himself besides being Hoshi of Seventeen, Carat's prince and Kwon Soonyoung, Boyfriend of Lee Jihoon? 

He's not unloved. He knows this. He knows Jihoon loves him just as much. Knows that Jihoon won't ever hurt him intentionally. But. He also knows that he's not the priority. He's not as important as the group is, not as important as their music, not as important as the fans. And for years, he hadn't let that stop him. Never let it confuse him or shake his feelings. He held on tight. Gave importance in their relationship twice as much, doubled his love for the both of them, prioritized the two of them when the other can't do it. And he was okay with that. It was enough for him.

Until it isn't anymore. Until the little things started to pile up. The unintentional rejections. Forgetting about important dates. Ignoring him off and on camera. Unanswered calls and messages. Unreturned I love you's....Slowly, it built up walls. Soonyoung disregarded it until he took one look and it's suddenly so high. He could climb it. But suddenly he's too tired.

  
_Is it worth? are we worth it? Is he worth it?_

  
That were the questions that put senses into Soonyoung's mind. That put him in perspective. That made him realized that their love, _his love_ , has changed. He never had to ask before. Never even has to choose. Because for him, there was only one thing he likes to do in the world and it is to love Jihoon.

  
_But maybe it's not just enough._

"Are you two fighting again?" Jeonghan asked, and Soonyoung took in his words. _Again_. He smiled bitterly. They used to be so good. So beautiful. But now five years from debut, and six years since the start of their relationship, it has simply become.... _tiring_.

Soonyoung doesn't want to say it's toxic. Because it's not. But it is damaging. The constant fighting, without getting any resolution. They just stop and ignore the problem. And then make up. And then later it'll come back, and their fights are more heated than before. He doesn't even remember how it started. Why it started. When. 

"Hyung...I love him" He stated, voice wobbly. There's a longing in his voice that Jeonghan has been seeing in his eyes. The conviction and confidence he used to say it with is gone. Now it's merely an echo of how strong the fire has been. And jeonghan can see it. Soonyoung loves Jihoon deeply. But he's also drowning with it.

"What do you want to do?" Soonyoung looked over at Jeonghan, and without any words, crawled over to cry on his lap. It isn't the first time. He can't even count the times he had invaded his hyung's room to seek comfort. At first it was just to remove these bad feelings so he can comeback to Jihoon, new and ready to take on whatever the world is ready to throw at them. Now, no matter how hard he cry...it never get lighter.

  
"I....I'm going to break up with him" He whispered. It's not something he has decided out of the heat of the moment. The thought has been there. For a long time now. Sitting and getting itself comfortable at the corner of Soonyoung's mind. Reminding him. That it is choice. That it is something Soonyoung can do. That maybe, being selfish and putting himself first is not a wrong thing to do. Sometimes, we have to choose ourselves first before other people can choose us.

"Would you be okay?" Soonyoung wanted for Jeonghan to stop him. Maybe, encourage him to hang on a bit more. To tell him that he's wrong and there's no way that their love is just not enough to sustain their relationship. But he didn't. And he can feel that he won't. So he just cried harder.

"I haven't been okay, I don't think there would even be a difference."

Jeonghan held him through the night. Not caring how much he's ugly crying or he's putting snot and tears on his shirt and blanket. He just let him. Patting his back without any side comments, letting him cry in peace while making him feel safe. 

Soonyoung doesn't want to give up. But he also thinks that he has fought enough. There's no joy or victory in fighting a battle that he has already lost.

  
Soonyoung broke up with him on July 4th. Just after the announcement of their million seller album. Just after the day they went on Love radio as guest. It wasn't his intention to do so.

They were happy. Their relationship is in the downlow since their comeback. There has been no fights and misunderstanding. And Soonyoung is happy. In fact, they have been happy for the first quarter of the year. So maybe he thought that he was wrong afterall. Maybe they don't have to break up. Maybe they can save what has left of their relationship. And he let himself believe for awhile. Relish on Jihoon's attention and love. Basked with the affection Jihoon seems to be giving him these days. And once again he thought, maybe this is enough.

  
_It wasn't._

  
While Jihoon compliments him throughout the guesting, his heart has been hurting. Because when was the last time he was able to hear these words from Jihoon directly? Oh. _Is this how Jihoon used to look at him? were we this happy?_

All throughout the day, all he can see is the remnants of the beautiful relationship they once have. Even though Jihoon is sitting their right next to him, he longs for him and misses him. Misses the old them. Because even if Jihoon told him he loves him once they had their break, it has lost it's warmth and questions took their place.

  
_You love me but until when?_

  
_You love me but just how much?_

  
_You love me, would it be enough?_

  
And Soonyoung... he never used to question it before.

  
That's when he realized. It has changed, isn't it? And there's no turning back anymore. It pained him. Swallowing the bitter pill of having to let go of Jihoon when he's just right there in front of him. 

  
_I used to love him freely. What changed?_

  
What changed is now he's careful of his words or else it'll be met with a frown. Now he has to be mindful of his actions, to reach out to hold his hand afraid that it might get rejected. Now he has to second guess himself about everything that comes with their relationship.

And Soonyoung... _he hates it._

"You're so quiet. I thought you'd be more happy than that. We're million sellers!" Jihoon smiled fondly at him. Unaware of the inner turmoil that has been going on inside his head.

Soonyoung wants to scream. _Can't you see? Why can't you see what's happening? is it only me? Am I the only one feeling this way?_ Soonyoung wants to preserve the smile Jihoon is sending his way. But at the same time it's only hurting him. He used to do everything to make him smile. Even when he looks stupid, clingy and desperate. He didn't care. 

  
"Soonyoung? Oh no don't cry here! You can cry at the dorm later!" Jihoon laughed, handing him a tissue. And Soonyoung wants to leave it at that. To make him think that he's simply crying out of joy. But he also knows that it just isn't right to continue like this longer.

  
Their relationship is already on and off, hot and cold... _unstable_. Sure they are happy. The can be happy. But they also hurt each other worse as time goes by. And he knows that the time would come, where sweet gestures and sorry's aren't gonna be enough. He doesn't want them to end up hurting each other to the point that they would despise what was once a beautiful story. Soonyoung would prefer to end it now, and remember it as tragic love story. He has to close the book now.

"Jihoon-ah...I love you" Jihoon's eyes were wide as saucers as he looked around to see if someone heard or not. And it was the last knife that completed Soonyoung's resolve. 

  
"Soonyoung! We're in public! You can't just-"

  
"Let's break up"

Soonyoung thought it would be hard. Thought that each word would open a new scar on his already battered heart. _But no_. A certain calmness washed over him. The one what you feel once you finally gave up on something you think is not something that can be reached. It's like the peace after taking a long run and finally realizing you can walk. The stillness once you finally received your grades after the long anxious semester. 

"What...did you just say?" Jihoon is surprised, frozen in his seat. Soonyoung returned his stare, tiredness and helplessness visible in his eyes and the small smile gracing his face.

"Let's break up, Jihoon" He used to fantasize saying this over the years. He used to imagine what Jihoon's reaction would be. He'll create scenarios in his head because he was so confident they would never get to this point. But now he can only pat his old self for his foolishness.

"Right. And you're telling this when we're going to go back in there and do a broadcast. What did I do this time? You know what, let's talk about this later at the studio. What time would you be free? maybe around-"

  
"Jihoon I want a break up"

It was the way Jihoon brushed him off that ticked him off. As if him asking for a break up is just another one of his ways to ask for attention. And maybe that was his fault. Because he made Jihoon believe that he would never walk away from him. And truthfully, he never did. No matter how harsh his words are, or no matter how painful his rejections are. Soonyoung willingly crawls back each and every time. Soonyoung smiled bitterly at himself. 

"Let's end it now" He whispered.

  
And before Jihoon can answer, they were called back on air.

  
It was silent in the car as they ride back to the dorms. The atmosphere is tensed. And it used to suffocate Soonyoung. When they fight, when Jihoon is mad, when there's a misunderstanding between them. It used to fill Soonyoung with anxiety and it chokes him to the point that he can't help but cave in and be the first one to wave the white flag, to surrender.

"Follow me" Jihoon whispered as soon as they got out of the car, and for one petty moment he wondered how it would feel like to be the one to call the shots. He wondered not listening to him and let Jihoon come to him once. But they've passed the push and pull phase of their relationship. And he's just too tired for that. He just wants... _he just wants to rest for a little while_. And he won't be able to do that if keep a tight grip on the loosing thread of their relationship. So he followed him.

  
"I'm sorry" Jihoon spoke once they got inside the room. And Soonyoung was taken aback. Until Jihoon speak further. "Whatever upset you, tell me. And let me apologize for it. What did I do wrong? Whatever it is, you know I don't mean it. And I'm sorry if it hurts you. But let's talk about it" 

  
Each word is like a stab right in Soonyoung's heart. And he can't help but take it. Because how long has he excused all of his scars as accident? How long has he been justifying Jihoon's actions towards him?

_I'm sorry I don't mean it. I'm sorry I never wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry that wasn't my intention_. 

It was always like that wasn't it? And what hurts Soonyoung more is because he knows it's the truth. Jihoon loves him. Jihoon won't hurt him intentionally. But also...Jihoon never really look into his words and actions, doesn't he? Never really saw that it was what's hurting Soonyoung. Because his fault is not knowing how he is hurting Soonyoung. Not seeing, not taking the time to ask, to probe, to goddamn delve more to what was hurting Soonyoung. He thinks that it's because he doesn't mean it, and if he apologize for it, everything would be okay again. And Soonyoung let him. Because Soonyoung loves him so much. 

  
Soonyoung doesn't know how to answer him. So he just stand there. Looking at the floor. Letting his tears fall from his eyes.

"Soonie, please" 

Jihoon stepped closer. Gently cupping his face, and Soonyoung snuggled on his palms. Relishing the warmth on them, the softness of it. The caring way Jihoon holds him. He cried harder.

"Soonyoung, I'm here" Jihoon pulled him into a hug. And Soonyoung can't really help himself but hug back. Tightly. Knowing that it would be last time.

  
"We... it's not... I...." Soonyoung struggled with words. And Jihoon hugged him tight, almost clawing into his shirt. And Soonyoung can feel it. Can feel his love. Can feel how much he's afraid to lose him too...

"Soonyoung, please. Don't. Let me...let me fix this. Whatever it is. Please. Don't... don't leave me" Jihoon begged in his ears. And Soonyoung wants to forget the whole thing. But would going back help them? No. 

"I can't...I'm sorry. It's not...I don't want to hurt you anymore" He mumbled and Jihoon let go of the hug so he can look straight in his eyes.

  
"You're not hurting me. You're not. You're making me happy, Soonyoung. Please. Did you do something? I forgive you. Just. Don't do this"

  
Soonyoung stared at Jihoon. Stared at the tears clinging in his eyelashes. He can see his desperation. He can see the pain. And Soonyoung wants to make it go away. Wants to berate himself for hurting Jihoon. But then he needs to choose himself first.

"I'm hurting you...by pretending. I'm not... I love you. Loved you so much. But I'm not happy anymore. I... can't do this anymore" 

  
"you promised me you won't ever leave me. You promised me you won't. What happened to that?" There's accusation in his voice, bitterness clinging in his words. And Soonyoung did promise that, didn't he?

"I guess my love wasn't as strong as I thought" He mumbled. And it's a lie. His love is still there, present and just as strong as it was before. It's just...that the pain is now equivalent to that. It's not something he can ignore. Not something he can drown out with his love. It's there. Constantly. And it's draining the life out of him. And sooner or later, they'll end up hating each other for it. So Soonyoung is letting go now. When love is still alive.

  
"I....Fine. Let's break up"

  
That was the last thing Jihoon said. Before he left the room. Before Soonyoung let the pain consume him. He cried. Harder he has ever did. Because he knows this time, there won't be any turn backs. _It's final_. Jihoon is no longer his. And he's no longer Jihoon's boyfriend. It's the end of their story. And although there's a part of him that is relieved, the larger part that loves Jihoon is bringing him down to the knees. His heart aching, _so so so much_. Even though he knows he did the right thing, made the right decision... it won't ever change the fact that his heart that's been beaten, is now ripped down to pieces. He knows he can mend it, that it would heal. _But right now, he lets the pain consume him._


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uhmm make up chapter?

Jihoon isn't a dramatic person. People used to tell him that he's pragmatic. The kind of person who's realistic and prefers to use his brain over anything else that sometimes it even overpowers his emotions, and he ends up hurting people by being insensitive and having lack of empathy. He wants to argue. Wants to tell people that they're wrong. In fact, Jihoon tends to feel more. His emotions run deep that sometimes his brain and body can't comprehend it. Making him freeze, leaving him unable to do anything but internalize most of the things he's feeling.

It's not that there's a brick wall that stops other people from seeing what he actually feels. It's more like the brick wall is making it hard for him to show people what he actually want. And God he tries. _Tried. And still trying._ To be honest, with both his words and his actions. Try to make the people around him, the people that means a lot to him, the people that he loves, feel how much important they are to him. But for some reason he always fail.

He sighed and stares at their weverse account. He's once again locked up in his studio. Listening to some kind of american heartbreak songs while refreshing the page, scrolling and then refreshing again until a new notification showed up. He clicked on it, an action that is automatic at this point. And smiled sadly as he watched how Soonyoung once again entertain carats for the night.

How long has it's been since their break up? A few weeks? A month? Two? He doesn't know. He doesn't keep track. Too afraid to count the days where he can no longer call Soonyoung his. It doesn't matter anyway. Because no matter how much he looks at it, it still feels like a lifetime has passed. Jihoon won't be cliche and say it's a torture. Instead, Jihoon feels like he's in a constant limbo. Stuck in a place, wondering how the hell he got there.

  
_How the hell did they got here?_

  
_Here_. Where jihoon stays long hours in the studio, but no more Soonyoung to pester him. He knows he doesn't admit it aloud, but Soonyoung's presence in the studio made him feel more... secure. Safe. As if with him inside, with his equipments and his music, it feels like everything he had wanted is already on his palm. And yet he let him slip away.

_Here_. Long dead hours with no funny messages, or small voicemails, or random calls to disturb the creepy silence that somehow always overpowers his music whenever he's alone. He used to pause his works just to look if Soonyoung sent him something, anything, just to let him get through the day. Now the clock is slower than ever, silence suffocating...and no words can be heard from the other end of the line.

_Here_. Where he can't even look at Soonyoung without seeing the pain he obviously put him through. He must've been real blind, or stupid, or asshole, or maybe all of them...for him to not be able to see how much his lover has been hurting. How long has he been hurting? How much is he hurting? How did Jihoon hurt him? It runs and runs inside his brain. It runs when he sees Soonyoung fake a smile. It runs when he finally sees the tiredness in Soonyoung's actions. It runs...when he sees Soonyoung and his first thought is how to remove the pain.

  
_I love him. It never changed. But why did we end up like this?_

He stares at his wallpaper, now that Soonyoung is done replying to carats and probably sleeping in his own room. Jihoon wants to pack up and crawl to his arms. Wanting to be hold, or cling to him tight. Wanted to be wrapped back in his arms, or just be able to hold him once again. But he can't do that. Not when he doesn't know how to ease the pain. Not when he doesn't know what he needs to right. Not when he doesn't know how to stop hurting the both of them.

  
Because afterall, it all comes down to that, isn't it?

  
Jihoon refused to think that Soonyoung gave up on him. Or simply got tired of him. He knows Soonyoung. Knows his heart, his mind, his soul. Knows how big Soonyoung's heart is and how he would never intentionally hurt somebody else. Knows how much love he can give, and knows it'll never run out. Knows how kind and gentle Soonyoung is to anyone and anything he does. Sure, Jihoon got mad. He was in shock. He was in disbelief. When Soonyoung broke up with him, all he could think about is Soonyoung breaking his promises and giving up on him.

But then again, once the tears were dried and his mind not clouded by pain, he realized that there must've been a reason. For Soonyoung to turn away like that, for him to suddenly let go. After all, relationship is a two way process. There's two people involve. And in every aspect, both should be balanced and on equal foot. There should be communication. This entire break up isn't just made by Soonyoung alone. And Jihoon knows for a fact, he wouldn't do it if he doesn't have a reason at all.

  
"I figured you'd still be here"

Jihoon was surprised to see Wonwoo enter his studio. Although it is open to all of his members, there are some members who's still wary of his privacy and rarely visits him unless it's for writing songs or making music together. Wonwoo is one of them. And the fact that it is even past 2 am, made it more bizarre. Wonwoo does not like sacrificing his sleep.

"Hey, you need anything?"

He asked, putting down his phone and immediately grabbing a few drinks form his small fridge. Wonwoo waited for him near the couch, and only spoke again once he handed the cold ice coffee and sat down besides him.

"Not really. I guess, I just wanted to keep you some company"

Jihoon nodded, appreciating the kind gesture. What he likes about Seventeen is, even if he and Soonyoung did break up, none of them tried to get in between or chose sides. They're simply there, waiting for the both of them with arms wide open. Ready to be of help or shoulder to cry on. Ready to listen but never to meddle. They didn't judge. Nor did they pushed them to get back together. They did ask a few questions. Some mild and very cautious, some blunt. Seungcheol spent hours with him after his break up with Soonyoung, and boy did he not hold back.

"How is he doing?"

He asked, and even without a name, Jihoon knows that Wonwoo would get who he meant.

"He's trying, I guess. The last time I talked to him, he just...feels lost? Now that we have time because of pandemic, he's been trying to get back to himself. To his feet"

Jihoon nodded. Suddenly unsure of what to say. There's a part of him that is happy, that Soonyoung isn't wallowing in pain nor burdened by it. But a larger part of him, if he's being honest, is scared. Scared that by the time Soonyoung find what he's looking for, the love he has for Jihoon is no longer a part of it. Scared that there would come a time, when Soonyoung is all okay on his own, that he won't be needing Jihoon anymore. Scared that right now, there's a bigger possibility of Soonyoung moving on and Jihoon getting stuck at the bottom.

God, he sounds selfish. _So so selfish_. No wonder Soonyoung left him. But he can't help it. He wants the best for Soonyoung. Wants him to be happy. Wants him to be loved. But can't he give that? Can't he be all of that? Can't he be the best thing again in Soonyoung's life? Can't he provide that happiness again? Is he not allowed to love him again? 

"He's worried of you"

Wonwoo said once the silence went longer than it should.

"I... don't want him too."

His heart flutters, alright. To the knowledge that even if they do ended up the thing between them, Soonyoung still cares for him. Because he's that kind of person. Who always put everyone else first before himself. Who gives so much love to everyone, that sometimes he forgets to leave some for himself. He prioritizes others before he even think about himself.

  
And then suddenly Jihoon realized.

  
"I'm so fucking stupid"

  
He cursed. Putting his face on both of his hands. He remembered the day he and Soonyoung decided to venture more in their relationship, to step out of being platonic and properly be together. He had warned him. How he doesn't know how to love someone else that isn't himself nor his music. How he doesn't know how to be someone's boyfriend. How he doesn't know how to be someone's lover. And Soonyoung take it all in stride. Instead, he worked for the two of them. Soonyoung did everything in his power to make Jihoon feel loved. To make him feel complete. To make him feel home.

  
And Jihoon started to learn. Started to open up to him because if there's anyone he's gonna put his life on, it's gonna be in Soonyoung's hands. He started to trust his inner most thoughts, his secrets, his everything to Soonyoung because he wants Soonyoung to know all of him. To love all of him. Not just the parts. He started to learn how to take care of someone and how to be taken care of. He learned how to hold Soonyoung without doubting himself. Learned how to initiate the kisses and hugs, knowing that it would be welcomed wholeheartedly. Learned how to give bits and pieces of himself, until every part of him is being held by Soonyoung. He loves him. Truthfully, and deeply. He wouldn't be able to fall hard, if he's not so sure of his feelings for Soonyoung. 

And he's so sure. Of Soonyoung's feelings for him. Because he had accepted him without judgement. Loved everything about him, including his flaws and the ugly scars that envelopes him. Kissed every imperfections and held him like a fragile little thing. And Jihoon.... _Jihoon got complacent_. Got confident. He knows, that whatever he does, Soonyoung won't judge him. That Soonyoung would be there to support him and love him no matter. That once he looks back, Soonyoung would be ready to catch when he falls. Ready to hug him when he got tired. That no matter what he say, no matter what happens, regardless of the harsh words and the rejections, Soonyoung won't ever leave him.

_He was so blind. So selfish. So naive._

He took advantage of Soonyoung's love, took for granted the love and trust that was put in their relationship. He was so assured. So certain. To the point that he had let Soonyoung's love for him be the reason why he's hurting as well. 

Love and relationship is a continuous process. It's a work of progress that requires two people involve to be hand in hand in every aspect. And yet, Jihoon has let Soonyoung do everything in their relationship. He treated their story as a happy ever after. That after the kiss, it's all happiness from there on. It's not like that. And Jihoon now can see his mistakes.

  
He sighed. Leaning back on the couch, he let the tears fall as he stared at the ceiling. Unafraid of being vulnerable even if there's someone besides him. He used to be. Afraid, that is. Of someone seeing his weakness, or see him shake. He worked hard so that he can be the strong foundation Seventeen needs. He worked so hard that he won't bend or seem incapable of anything. And he learned it was wrong. Why try hard when he can trust, and lean on twelve people who are so dear to him? Soonyoung taught him that. Being weak, knowing your weakness, isn't wrong. Instead, it makes you human. Makes you humble. Makes you see the areas you need to work and improve, so that you'll continue to grow.

  
"Hey, you're crying" 

  
"Yeah, I just realized what ended our relationship"

He mumbled, laughing softly at himself for how stupid he has been.

"Yeah? And what are you gonna do about it?"

_What is he gonna do?_

He doesn't know. He's still not sure of what steps he should take, or what's supposed to happen now. He just knows that his love for Soonyoung won't ever change Even when everything is bleak and breaking. He's not gonna let him go. If there's one thing that's clear for him, it's how willing he is to fight for their relationship. To correct his mistakes. He's gonna get him back. Especially since he knows that Soonyoung still loves him just as much. He just needs to show him, needs to prove to him, that their love is greater than the pain.

He doesn't immediately approached Soonyoung. Although he badly wants to. He's not ashamed to admit that he even thought of begging or going down on his knees. As cliche as that sounds, there's a lot of things he's willing to do just so he'd be allowed to love Soonyoung again. He doesn't even care if they have to hide it, for the sake of their careers and of their members. He just wants to be besides him again.

Their group is now stable, thriving even. He's not as pressured about making music anymore. He's not scared to fail anymore. He knows that there are people, who no matter what happens, would support them through and through as long as they work hard for everything they do. And work hard, he can. He definitely can. As long as when the night ends, he can rest besides Soonyoung. He doesn't ask for much, he just wants Soonyoung to share the world with him. Be it the world of fame, of stars, or whatever he wants, he just wants to be with him.

Jihoon thinks that maybe Soonyoung was right. They needed this break up. They were both blinded by love, albeit in different ways. That they forgot a lot of things and foolishly cling to each other. Soonyoung lost himself in tbe process, Jihoon lost sight of what he really wants in life. Through this break up, Jihoon has learned a lot. It has put new perspective in his head, and finally changed priorities. Seventeen and the fans would always be on the top, of course. But Jihoon thinks that sharing that spot with being with Soonyoung doesn't sound that bad. He just needs a reminder every now and then, to let him realize what's the most important thing to him.

And right now?

It's protecting Seventeen and their dreams, while hand in hand with Soonyoung. They're not called two captains for no reason. They are, afterall, stronger together.

  
Jihoon started simple. Soonyoung has always been there silently taking care of him. Not wanting anything in return. He just does it because he wants to. And who's to say Jihoon can't do it as well? It's not big gestures, anyway. He just makes sure that he has extra water bottles and towels when practicing. Ordering some food for him and the others when it's getting late and it's past dinner time. He takes the things Soonyoung forgets, and return them silently on his room later on. It's him ordering couple clothes, and stocking it in his closet hoping he can one day give it to Soonyoung.

And he was content with that. For now. After all, he wants Soonyoung to return to him in his own will. And that won't happen if he forces himself back to his life. All he can do is take care of him, and wait for him while Soonyoung finds himself. And maybe later on, he'll find his way to Jihoon as well.

He didn't expect to be presented with the opportunity so soon. It was a quiet night. And of course, he's once again in his studio. Just because there's a pandemic, doesn't mean they're out of job. He's already done with cleaning some tune and straightening some lyrics. So now he's just enjoying some down time and scrolling through weverse. Amusing himself with reading comments from fans, and searching Soonyoung's name all over. He missed him, okay? 

It was then that he saw the carat's post, and Soonyoung's comment. And he smiled. Overly fond. He still can't believe how there's someone like Soonyoung. He's firm, and strong. Always ready to shield the group and fight for all of their members. But he's also soft, gentle and sweet. There's a kindness in him that is rarely seen to humans these days. His smile dropped when Soonyoung posted multiple times. It was him being sentimental. But it wasn't what caught Jihoon's attention. It was the fact that he admitted how he's crying. And that...that got Jihoon worried.

Without even thinking about it, he saved every work in progress in his computer and ran out of the studio as fast as he can. He greeted the members briefly when he passed by them. But he didn't stop until he's inside Soonyoung's room. He startled badly when he realized what he has done. But he can't take it back now. Not when he's opened the door, and Soonyoung is looking at him from where he's currently bundled up on the bed.

They stared at each other for a long time. None of them really knowing what to do. But honestly speaking, Jihoon doesn't mind. He allowed himself to look at Soonyoung after so many weeks of being careful. Even though there are tear streaks on his cheeks, he still looks handsome. Jihoon has always appreciate how naturally handsome Soonyoung is without the makeups and the eyeliners. He looks soft. Under the covers, and Jihoon is reminded once again how he is not allowed to suddenly hug him or lie down besides him.

  
"Is there... something wrong?" 

Soonyoung asked, sitting up and smiling hesitantly at him. Jihoon ate it up. His heart fluttering when Soonyoung directed a smile to him. Sure it's a simple action, but it has a big effect on his heart.

"You....you were crying" 

He mumbled. Hands gripping the door knob, and subtly stepping back. Afraid that he's invading Soonyoung's space.

"Yeah. It wasn't a bad thing. I just...got overwhelmed a bit."

Jihoon nodded at him. Even though all he wants is to cuddle up to him, comfort him. He knows that it's not his place right now.

"uhmm...yeah, I'll just...yeah...Leave"

  
He was about to close the door when heard Soonyoung speak. With the same soft voice. Gentle, and sweet.

"Do you really want to leave?"

He stopped in his tracks. Because there's only one answer to that..

"No. Never"

  
"Then stay"

  
Jihoon felt like his heart tripled in size. A rush of happiness coursing through him, and he feels so light. All of a sudden. He can't believe that Soonyoung is still letting him in. He slowly stepped up to him. Looking for any signs of hesitance. But Soonyoung just looks at him with shining eyes. So he let himself be selfish once again, and sat down just on the edge of the bed, turning his upper body so he's looking at Soonyoung.

"Did you just got home?"

Soonyoung asked, and he nodded. Wanting to reach over and intertwine their hands. But then again, just being here besides him is enough.

"I've finished early though. And just stayed to relax a bit"

Soonyoung nodded to him. And for a moment, everything is peaceful. Tranquil. Even if there's uncertainty in the air, a kind of tense and awkwardness he never used to feel before. It's okay. It's a small inconvenience he's willing to pay. Just to be able to be with Soonyoung. No matter how long he wants him to stay.

  
"What happened to us ji?" There's sadness in his voice. A longing.

  
"We got lost" he answered honestly. Not taking his eyes off from Soonyoung.

"I...I didn't want to hurt you"

  
It was then that Jihoon decided to close the gap between them. Getting closer until he can hold Soonyoung's hands.

  
"Wasn't your fault. You needed it. And I know...I know I reacted badly. But Soonyoung, I understand now."

Soonyoung looked up at him. Unshed tears shining in his eyes, and Jihoon wants to reach up and wipe them away.

"you do?"

"Yes. Soonyoung... I'm sorry. For taking you for granted. For leaving you battle alone. For letting you to handle our relationship on your own. I was stupid-"

"Don't say that"

"I am. Soonyoung. Because I hurt you. Because I was too selfish to see how much you've been hurting. Not wanting to hurt you doesn't equalize to me not hurting you if I don't make an effort. And yet, I left you on all your own when it's supposed to be us. It was supposed to be the two of us. I'm sorry it took me so long to see"

  
This time, the tears did fall. And Jihoon let his own too. If there's someone he's not afraid to be vulnerable with, it's Soonyoung. He has seen him in both his best and worst state. And he's not afraid to be vulnerable now. Not when hiding feelings almost bend them to the point of breaking.

  
"It hurts, Ji. I love you but I can't continue like that anymore"

  
"And you shouldn't. You did the right thing. And I'm so proud of you. For putting yourself first, and for knowing what's best for our relationship."

  
"But I lost you"

It was a whisper. A whisper Jihoon heard. And without second thoughts, without doubting himself, he let himself hug Soonyoung. And his heart thumped loudly when Soonyoung wrapped his own arms around him.

"You didn't. You won't. Soonyoung. We made mistakes. But we learned didn't we? It's not...this is not enough to break us up. It even helped us see what's happening. I was lacking so much. And you, you almost lost yourself because we cannot balance it out. But I'm here now. I know now."

  
"I'm scared." 

"I am too. And I can't promise you anything. But I know that we can make it work this time around. We'll held each other accountable of our actions. I don't want to lose you, Soonyoung. I can't"

He mumbled. Now crying his heart out on Soonyoung's shoulder. Jihoon can't even remember his life without Soonyoung. Dramatic sure, but before him, he barely looks around him. Can't even remember enjoying his life. But then he met Soonyoung, and suddenly he can now see the world better. Life a little bit lighter. And him? A lot happier. He can't imagine that there would be a time where he won't be able to hold him anymore. Won't be the reason for his smiles anymore.

  
"What if we tried again, and failed?"

  
"Hey, we don't have to do anything now. Take it slow. Make it one step at a time. We can rewind, or reset. I don't care. I just want you back. And I can wait. You can relearn yourself, love yourself, and I would be just waiting for you. Besides you. Holding your hard."

"What if you got tired?"

  
Jihoon smiled, untangling himself from Soonyoung. Instead he cupped his face. And hope to God, that Soonyoung can see in his eyes the love he has for him, and can hear in his voice, his sincerity.

"You didn't. And you were fighting for us for years. I can do it too. For you"

  
For a few seconds, Jihoon was so afraid. That Soonyoung won't see the reason to get back together. So scared that the pain weighs more than the love. But then Soonyoung looked at him, and Jihoon can see it as clear as the sky. Love is shining in his eyes, strong just as before. It's overflowing. And Jihoon can't help the tears that falls down from his eyes. Soonyoung put his palm, wiping the tears away gently with his thumb.

_"Okay, jihoonie, let's try again"_

  
They didn't got better right away. Of course. Real life isn't like the movies. They had to work for it. And work for it they did. They talked a lot more. Reflected from their past actions. They figured it out together. Just like what he promised, he let Soonyoung set the pace this time around. Put the balls on Soonyoung's side, and gambled with all he got. Because he knows, Soonyoung won't ever leave him. And before, he used to think of it as assurance. Now, he takes it as a challenge. Challenging himself, on showing Soonyoung just how much he can't bear the thought of leaving him as well.

  
When Jihoon woke up that day, it was a to a cold temperature. He grumbled, reaching for Soonyoung and frowned when there's no one on the other side of the bed. He immediately opened his eyes, pouting. He distinctly remembered sleeping last night wrapped around Soonyoung. He sighed, stretching before standing up. Startling when he saw Soonyoung standing infront of his drawer.

"The fuck are you doing there? Also, it's cold. Wear a shirt" He grumbled. Already going near him. He immediately hugged him once he reached him, and it didn't even take a second when Soonyoung wrapped his arms around him. The warmth of his skin very much welcomed.

"....hmmm, there's a shirt I want to wear though" There's smugness in his voice, and Jihoon looked up to see some kind of mischief written all over Soonyoung's face.

it has been six months. And they've never been better. They're still the old Jihoon and Soonyoung. But now their relationship matured, as well as they are. It wasn't easy. There are still times when they had to look back and be cautious. Sometimes, they're overdoing it. But it's okay. Because they remind each other. They're now back to what they were before. But stronger.

  
"Okay. What did you do?"

  
Soonyoung just chuckled. Before pulling away. Jihoon scrunched his nose when he lost his source of warmth. He wants to pull Soonyoung back but the man is pulling something out. And when he held up what it was, red bloomed on Jihoon's cheeks. His face and even his chest, flushing in embarrassment.

  
"No"

  
He immediately answered, stepping back and crossing his arms over his naked torso. Soonyoung whined.

"But ji...why would you even buy them if you won't let us wear it?"

  
"It's not.... It's not meant for you!" He lied. Of course the couple shirts are for him. But he's still embarrassed, okay?

  
"Then why is there two of everything?" Soonyoung asked, smug and overly confident. Jihoon wants to punch him. On the lips. With his mouth. Damn. Soonyoung standing there without a shirt is making Jihoon horny.

"You know what, do whatever you want. Im going back to bed"

He didn't wait for Soonyoung and snuggled but to the covers. Smiling secretly when he felt strong arms pull him closer until his back is met with Soonyoung's torso. He sighed, turning around and nuzzling his face on his neck.

  
"They're for you" He finally admitted. And he felt Soonyoung hum.

"I know"

"I want you to wear them"

"I would"

"With me"

  
He heard Soonyoung chuckled, and blushed even more when he felt Soonyoung kiss his head.

"Sure, let's do that"

  
"But I want it when...when we're properly in a relationship again. Not now" 

  
They never really discussed. And Jihoon is just content to have Soonyoung in his arms again. So it never really came up. He doesn't know if they're just dating again, or if they're each others lovers again. He himself doesn't know the difference. But, he just wants to be clear.

  
"Hmmm...Then let's wear it later"

  
Jihoon's mind short-circuits. He looked up and found Soonyoung already looking down at him with the fondness smile.

_"Be my boyfriend again, Lee Jihoon. Let's do it right this time"_

When Soonyoung kissed him, it was like first time all over again. But his mind can still remember. The way he taste, how soft his lips are, how tender he moves. It was like a new experience, but an old feeling. Jihoon missed it so much. Missed him so much. And if he shed a tear or two, it's no one's business but his and Soonyoung's.

They wore the blue one first. Because it was the first one he bought from the bunch. Aso, because the blue looks so good on Soonyoung's skin. And if the picture ended up all over Social media, Jihoon doesn't mind. Because as he denies it on social media, he's already sitting on Soonyoung's lap assuring him that it's not true.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So hello guys? First, I would just like to apologize because this took long. Only because I wasn't satisfied with the first draft, and had to rewrite it a couple of times. I'm still not satisfied with this one, but this is as real it can get.
> 
> Second, I'm sorry if it lacks the fluff or the fluttering factor. To be honest, I didn't want it to be poetic. Because just like the first chapter, I want it to be realistic.
> 
> Relationship and breakups aren't easy. Once you go through them, it just doesn't go back like magic. And I guess it was what I want to show you guys.
> 
> So im sorry in advance if this isn't what you were expecting ☺️
> 
> Anyways, scream at me in twitter!  
> @WeShipAndWeSail

**Author's Note:**

> This is because we had entered the Soonhoon drought and they've been feeding us too much angst lately. So I thought I would try since all I write is fluff stuff? Don't scream at me. I'm sorry 😭😭😭 I don't know how to angst, so I'm sorry if this is shitty. But im gonna go now. Bye!


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